Death! So Definitive and Final. A full stop with no glimpse of Hope.

Hope is the ray of sunshine on an otherwise gloomy day. It’s the smell of wet mud after a hot summer. It’s the sight of a small shrub on an otherwise dried plant. It sometimes inspires us to live it up and sometimes helps us not give up. And death is that ultimate event that leaves us withered in the dark without hope. After your passing, I found myself saying the words ‘Just come back’ on loop but it was not to be. There was not a drop of hope.

While many condolences kept pouring, the one that got my attention each time was when someone said ‘You will continue to feel his presence’. I thought how wonderful that would be, yet my mind was quick to judge it as silly. During the marka ceremony, as I sat there with all our friends and family, I could feel you sitting right in front of me. Smiling at me. It reminded me of the times when after a wellness retreat, you would so proudly show off that you could sit on the floor cross legged (which you earlier couldn’t). You had that same smile on your face showing me that you are feeling well, that there is no pain and after months you can sit on the floor again. I felt that you wanted me to know that you are fine now. However, the more I thought I saw you there, the more I cried. I was sure this is all my wishful imagination.

A week later, when I picked up Akash from the airport, I was carrying the weight of pain and regret. Your wish that you wanted to meet him before you go didn’t hold true. Here I was bringing Akash back to an empty house. And suddenly there was a shower of something on the car in the cold of the early morning hours. It felt like you were blessing us and telling me you are around. I grinned at my grief and told it to man up and accept that he is gone and not mistake the sprinkling of what looked like cement from a Metro work to be his presence. That night when I was getting our 3 year old ready to sleep, she smiled at me and said “Mumma… dadda loves you” and then she said “Dadda loves me” and she gave me a kiss. She had never said those words before. It felt like you were talking to her and me through her. I started to cry and she said “Mumma don’t worry be happy”, a line you always taught her to say. I felt like there were snowflakes of magic falling all over this moment. But I remained a sceptic.

Someone told me if you want something, I can ask you as you now have more power and you will make it happen. I was planning your Remembrance gathering the way you had envisioned it. It was hard as these are things that were your domain. My job was to just show up at events we hosted. And now I had to do this the way you wanted it without you or your guidance. When in grief, all emotions; sadness, guilt, regret, loneliness, anxiety, anger are auditioning for your attention and that can make the simplest of tasks seem difficult. I felt overwhelmed planning it and so I asked you to take over. And then about 3 days before the event I realised that nothing was sorted. I had to send out messages to everyone cancelling the event. I laughed at myself for actually believing you will take over and make it happen. Just then Shahzad came from Dubai and I talked about the issues of planning and costs hitting the roof. To my absolute delight, just like that, he took charge. He started to talk to the vendors, changed the caterers to the best ones, negotiated and brought the price to what my budget was. And slowly but surely, I realised that everything was happening just the way you would have done it. The event though delayed from the earlier date, was just as beautiful, if not more, as you might have imagined. And so I put up a tougher fight with my logical brain saying ‘he did actually make it happen the way he would have liked it while keeping it easy for me’.

Yes, when you were around, life was easy for me. If I could not do something, I didn’t try hard, I would simply turn to you. I remember a few days before you left us, I bought your favourite shower gel and somehow, I messed up its dispenser pump. I had kept it aside to ask you to fix it. But then you were gone and each time I would see the bottle I would be inconsolable as that bottle reminded me of how broken my life was. It became a symbol of your absence and my solitude. For days, it had become a ritual for me to see the broken bottle and cry. When suddenly one of the days, I go in the shower and see that the bottle is fixed. It brought a big smile to my face. Yes, I do realise that probably my brother Shahzad must have fixed it unknowingly. But it didn’t matter as the bottle was now unbroken. And now each day as I see the bottle, I have a big smile on my face as it reminds me that you are around and you will fix things for me when I need them the most through our loved ones.

‘Unforgettable’ by Natking Cole was our song. We both always dedicated it to each other. We danced our first dance on it on our wedding day. After you left, I dreaded listening to the song. I knew it would be a painful torment to hear it without you here. On one of the days, I was driving home alone and crying as that had become a routine. Suddenly, the shuffle playlist played the ‘Unforgettable’ song. And immediately that very second there was a rain shower. It again brought a huge smile on my face. It was too much of a coincidence to ignore a higher power that is with me, protecting me and taking care of me.

Days went by and I was still flirting with the idea that you are around. Has your form changed, but your essence still intact? Has your love just transformed into light and now encompasses everything around us? In the coming days, I started to sort out your belongings. In one of your drawers, I find this book ‘How to hear your Angels’. I remember a friend of yours who also had a life altering illness had shared it with you a couple of years back. We had very briefly talked about it then. So, I decide to keep it on my nightstand to read it. Even though I want to immediately start reading the book, somehow the next 2-3 days are very busy and I can’t. Then on 19 June, I just have a bit of time and so I sit with it. I scan through the index and notice a Chapter ‘About your deceased loved ones’ in it. I am intrigued and go to that chapter, just there I see a bookmark, which is actually a boarding pass. And when I look at that Boarding Pass, it has the date 19 June on it. I am delirious, am checking the date on the pass with today’s date on my mobile just to be sure. This chapter talks about how your loved ones become your guides after passing to help you reach your full potential and purpose. And in that moment, all my doubts, internal arguments, cynicism just settled down like the flakes in a snow globe after all the swirling. I felt your light within me. It was the most beautiful feeling. And one that I was meant to have. My journey was meant to come this way so that I can experience this. Later that day while driving I heard the song ‘Stay with me’. After your departure, this song always triggered me and I would sob bitterly as those were my last words to you while you were grasping for breath. But today when I heard that song, tears of joy streamed down my face as I knew you will always ‘Stay with me’

In your belongings, I also found a note of yours titled ‘This is the end or Just the Beginning’. I am choosing the latter.